We first posted about the Lone Ranger remake featuring Johnny Depp as Tonto a few months back. Then we quickly dismissed the subject because it is completely ludicrous specifically because it’s a waste of money to make a film based off this series, and we figured Bruckheimer would realize that, and drop this idea. Well it seems he hasn’t and now Indian country, and those of us smart enough to comment on what goes on in Indian country, are up in arms about it. Not so much because the television series is being remade as a film, but because Depp is evidently not Indian enough to play Tonto. Accusations, condemnations, and rationalizations can be found here: Johnny and Tonto Fistfight in Hollywood and here: Redefining Tonto.

Really?!

I’m always skeptical of those who believe they have the right to determine (by whatever methods) the identity of others. Depp has never, NOT ever, denied his Cherokee heritage. In fact, he has always been vocal about it, and many young Native actors look up to him, not so much as a fellow Native actor, but as a fine example of how to navigate the Hollywood mainstream when you yourself don’t look all that mainstream. How could he? He looks like what he partly is – Eastern Band Cherokee! Put him together with Wes Studi (not Eastern Band Cherokee).  Focus on the eyes, the cheekbones, the mouth, the shape of his eyebrows and brow bone, the squared jaw yet soft rounded chin, the fabulous set of teeth?! Come on! They both look like what they say they are, one more so than the other. And now consider the fact that it’s American Indians who have to prove what they are – even to each other – before they will be accepted as such! Subjectivities skew all over the place in relation to cultural and racial identities in America, yet Depp has never skewed from his. Not to mention he has never altered his narrative, great grandma Minnie was a full blood Cherokee or so he has said. I’ve met so many people claim to be Cherokee on a great grandparent’s side and never have they named that great grandparent! Hell most of us barely remember our grandparent’s names, let alone a great grandparent!

<

“But, what about my great grandma Minnie?”

<

“Stop your lyin’ white man! There is no Minnie”

<

But does any of this information qualify Depp as an Indian - Cherokee - to be precise? Do physiognomy and a name from his family history suffice? If not what does, tribal enrollment? Literally becoming a card member based on minuscule blood quantum? A real mind fuck of a question is, if the Eastern Band Cherokee can't find Minnie on their roll does that mean she never existed? Could Depp have made up the great grandmother story to salve some internal identity crisis externalized by his hatchet sharp cheekbones, almond eyes and cupid bow mouth? Possibly, but why would he? Why would he want to be an Indian anyway? Why does anyone want to be an Indian?

It's a far out line of questioning because it makes you ponder your own racial/cultural narrative, or lack thereof if you're a genero-white person who doesn't give two shits about that sort of thing because you're white, and we all know what that means otherwise people on the other blogs wouldn't be bitching that Depp is too white to play Tonto, cause you know, it's unfair that white people get to play all sorts of things they are not while the rest of us have to be our colorful othered selves. But, too white to play Tonto, Tonto? Mmm-hmm, I see. We are discussing Tonto, of the Lone Ranger fame? A character only barely a step up from Stepin' Fetchin' and people are pissed some 100% Actual Indian actor didn’t get the part – assuming there was ever an audition? Uh huh, yes I see, and what 100% Actual Indian actor would do a better job of acting in this “role”? I mean, aside from looking more “authentically Indian” than Depp and assuming they have the mass appeal (I didn’t say skill…) that Depp has especially for a Bruckheimer piece of crap film?

<

A ridiculous list was suggested on Newspaper Rock by one of their many commentors (we have no commentors here. HA!). Let’s assume, for shits and giggles, we have a say in the casting of this role and since this role doesn’t require much skill  (assuming Depp is provided the opportunity to creatively re-interpret Tonto for a new millennium in which case that would require some skill) my vote is for Adam Beach! No contemporary Indian actor turns out a consistently wooden performance like Beach does! And no Indian in cinematic history was more woodenly than Jay Silverheel’s Tonto. If wood is required Adam Beach can deliver!

As for the other Native actors suggested: Gary Farmer is too damn fine an actor to even consider something so ridiculous, not to mention he is too old and big! Nathan Chasing Horse?! Ugh! He can’t act his way out of a sopping wet paper bag and he’s too tall. Eddie Spears is too tall and too young; Steve Reevis is too old and too short. Nathan Arcand has already been there, done that, but I’m sure he’d like another crack, but that will never happen because he looks too Asian (LOL).

No, my vote, if I had one (which none of us do), is for Adam Beach – the most easily digestible, consistently boring, marketable Indian actor not really working today.

In conclusion: if Indians, and friends of Indians, really wanted to protest this film they could – by writing letters to the production company, forwarding vicious, but smartly pointed blogs and news stories deriding the actual making of this film (I think we can agree that it shouldn’t be made at all), and by shaming Johnny Depp into refusing the role. He’s a sensitive guy after all. He would probably drink himself silly and cry if he knew his fellow Indians were up in arms about him not being Indian enough to play a stereotypical Indian in a dumb ass film version of a dumb ass television show most of us are too young to remember ever existing save for people bitching about it on forums and blogs.

I vote for Adam Beach too!!! I’ll even wager 5 big ones on him snagging that role. BAM.