Mofongo, con carne frita: Your ass just got fat!

<

Mah gootness, I am having way too much fun being unemployed in New York City!

I was stressing out about finances but now realize the vast potential of sitting on my ass reading other people’s blogs all day because then I can comment on them here on Longviews. As stated elsewhere we have decided to play linksies, the blogosphere’s version of footsies, with Newspaper Rock – a subsidiary of Rob Schmidt’s long standing Blue Corn Comics website. Evidently that guy has plenty of time to comb the ‘Net for any ole thing related to Indians and their crossing of culture shananigans.

Being that I am Boricua I found this news item of particular interest Oneida/Puerto Rican Restaurant

Seems Tamar Cornelius, Oneida, had her a nice little vacay en el Isla del Encanto and got all encantada with the mofongo. She’s also engaged to a Papì Chulo who has the same last name as me! OMG, OMG, OMG could we be related?! If so, would I get a discount on the roast pork cracklings with famed P.R. delicacy – mayonaise and Thousand Island Dressing dipping sauce?! Chances are pretty slim ’cause Puerto Ricans are notoriously stingy and even worse restaurant owners!

Actually I am shocked to hear anyone not visiting the island due to family obligations say they enjoyed the local cuisine. Surely she must have got a taste of home cooking from her fiance’s abuelita’s crib ’cause I know from experience if she went to a restaurant they damn sure didn’t serve her anything that miraculous. Moreover, they probably took her plate away, half full insisting her ass was done, and to pay up and jet ’cause the waitstaff got better things to do than serve paying customers. Like, yo, stand around waiting for more customers to not pay attention to and/or rush them out of the restuarant but also insisting on a good tip. You can see I have had some bitter experiences, can’t you?

Try and rush me…got food still on the fork, mid-bite, carajo!

Tamar goes on to relate how her benign tribe helped her out with a loan so she could bring some flavor to an otherwise flavorless Green Bay Wisconsin. I have been to Green Bay, yo…trust me…flavorless. Anyway, I was doubly shocked to read that shizz ’cause ery’body knows you do not lend money to Puerto Ricans, and since she’s about to hitch up with one, that counts her in. I mean, fo real, you will see that cheddar go up in a firey liquid not unlike flambed’ bananas of the plantain variety, muy maduro, you can bet! But damn, it makes me sad cause like after I read that bit I was like, “Damn, see? That’s why the Indians got shafted by the man?! They are too damn trusting and/or they like to gamble too damn much!”

‘Cause seriously, a Puerto Rican restaurant run by an Oneida Indian is like a bingo hall run by a Pakistani, it ain’t gonna amount to much.  No wait, yeah if the Pakistani ran the bingo hall it would make a profit. Scratch that! If the bingo hall was run by a Puerto Rican it damn straight wouldn’t net a dime, but the place would be bouncin’ with the rum flowin’ and the dice rollin’ and the booty girls with big hoop earrings bouncin’ to J Lo screamin’ “Por dios, caray, I said muthafuckin’ Jota Siete.” And then someone would go berserk throwing over the long banquette table shrieking, “Bizz-Ningo Biotches!”

The shit would be off the chain, yo, but make money? Fuck nah, but it’d be hella fun for a month or two.

Another thing Ms. Oneida mentioned was a “surprisingly strong Oneida/Puerto Rican connection.” Seriously?

What might this “surprisingly strong” connection be other than a love of deep fried pork chops, in Lard no less, and salty pork roast? In fact, Puerto Ricans have a near pathological (surprisingly strong?) love of pork. So this might be what she’s talking about cause damn the Ricans love some pork! On the other hand, Puerto Rican men are known to be saavy (but swift) lovers, gettin’ all initmated with every nook and cranny of a woman’s frame. To prove it Ms. Oneida already gave birth to her first mini J Lo! See? Swift, yo!

Whatever the case may be their little casita de cosina quisqueya saw a boom in business within a week of being open. Good for them! However that was back in late September when this news item first appeared. It’s December and we’re in the middle of an economic crisis. I’m feeling skeptical about their financial prospects right about now. I mean, it’s hard times everywhere and Green Bay is kinda vanilla, if you know what I mean. People there may not readily turn to an extra large order of mofongo in a time of crisis, not like they would here in my neighborhood, but you never know? Maybe that surprisingly strong connection Tamar feels exists between Oneida people and Boricuas is a mutual love of greasy comfort food and ferocious family bonds, especially in dire straits. Let’s hope, at this time of year, they are getting extra helpings of both.

Incidentally, who is Indian and who is not is always a topic of debate at Newspaper Rock. I wonder what they’d say about Tamar’s baby girl, Galilea? Is she Indian or Puerto Rican? Will it depend on what she looks like when she gets older? Boricuas tend to be swarthy and dark skinned, you know, with some kinky hairs!  Will it depend on what she looks like or whether she qualifies by blood to enroll in her mother’s tribe? Or will it depend on how she views herself within both cultures? If so, does she then have to choose one or the other? If not than how will both co-exist within her own subjective narrative? On the other hand what if she doesn’t want them to co-exist? What if she rejects her Indianness opting to identify solely as a Puerto Rican?

My god, I hope she doesn’t do that! Ain’t no good financial aid benefits for Puerto Ricans. She better stick to being Indian. It’s a hella lot better financial and cultural choice!