 A few months ago I was forwarded a news item that claimed Val Kilmer might make a run for governor of New Mexico in 2010. Imagine that! The Great Bear Chief of the Cherokilmers as the Great (Mostly) White Father of all of New Mexico. Even better, imagine him as the first Native American President of the United States of America!
What a great day that would be; the first “real” Indian in the White House. And if you think this year’s inauguration was one hell of a party you can bet Kilmer’s would be the powwow to end all powwows. Obama’s got nothing on the Great One. Sure he had a swanky gourmand luncheon and Beyoncè, and The Jonas Brothers, and Mylie Cyrus, and Saint Bono all performed for him, but Kilmer’s got Indian tacos and Pepsi! Not to mention, Buffy St. Marie, Irene Bedard and Deni, The Black Lodge Singers, and John Trudell are all personal friends. Boo Yah Obama!
And there’s no need for glad-handing the Natives for their one percent Red State swing vote ‘cause he’s a true friend all the cool Indians in Santa Fe (and maybe even in some other Red States too?). Kilmer’s his own minority out reach program, and he can write and recite his own poetic speeches – minus rhetorical missteps, like, umm uncritically bringing up those who came before and “settled the West” – I needed to be reminded it’s no longer necessary to kill injuns on a move to Los Angeles, it’s already been done for us! Thanks Obama.
Our Chief would never make a mistake like that. Sure he might force us all to become Christian Scientists but he’d never absent-mindedly bring up genocide. And, in keeping with his Native American heritage Kilmer is the economical multi-tasking president this country deserves. He’d call forth those many skills of his: acting, tantrum throwing, making suggestions no one cares to hear (a diversionary tactic), horse riding, dating hot women, still managing to get a table at a trendy restaurant. All these skill would certainly trim the Washington fat (literally?) and that would save some taxpayer cash.
But what else would the First Cherokilmer do that would truly bring light to First American issues? Well, I believe he’d give up more of his ranch-a-vation by the Pecos so that wild animals will be protected from the wild rednecks that indiscriminately hunt them for sport. Unless we’re talking about the wild trout that flow through the river in front of his home, in which case he will sell you a license, rent you equipment and charge you nominal fees to fish in his private streams. I believe he would also establish even more private schools like the one he established in New Mexico that educates promising Native children who will grow to be model (Native) American citizens and his potential political allies. He’s a smart man who knows you need to mold them while they’re young. He would also commission the writing of a Native American National Anthem to be performed by Gary Farmer and the Troublemakers (Sorry Robbie Robertson you haven’t done anything “Indian” lately). It would be called, “This Land’s still not Your Land.” It will be sung every morning before class begins regardless if you are in 1st grade or acquiring your PhD – issues of redress would be at hand. He would give back the Black Hills, track down all the money misplaced by the BIA, issue an official apology to Indian Country and require every non-Indian to hug the nearest Indian of non-Eastern Indian persuasion. The Great One would finally free Leonard Peltier. Most crucially, in an effort to raise that 1% to double digits, he would recognize every tribe that applies for federal recognition so long as they can prove they won’t open a casino, nor install a slot machine in the quikmart on their soon to be reserved tribal land (just as soon as they figure out where the hell it is that they were from in the first place). Everyone will have a reservation: Puerto Ricans in the Bronx, Cubans in Miami, Blacks in Atlanta. All those who can prove they are White will have Iowa, and only Iowa.
Yes, in a Cherokilmer Administration reservations will be required.
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